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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Utopia, my personal hell

I must admit, I worry about the end of the world. Not in a train-in-the-dead-of-winter, stock can goods, Doomsday Prepper kind of way but I would be lying if I said those scenarios it didn't haunt my consciousness.

As evidence of my subconsciousness activity, last week my fears played a staring role in my nocturnal picture show. I had a dream about after the apocalypse (unspecified in nature). My family and I were living in a concrete high rise horticultural structure, utopia right?

In the dream Jonathan and I were strolling through the roof top greenery. As in any good utopia fantasy we are wearing whiten linen, he is hugging me and giggling while I poke him in the ribs for a good tickle. Suddenly a blaring alarm sounds and he runs from me panicked. I frantically try to catch him on his panicked descending route. He is a mere fingers breadth beyond my reach when I realize "the colony" is trying to separate us. "The colony" is trying to kill Jonathan because of his disability. I'm a reproductive female and he is a resource suck, thus the separation and his subsequent murder. Thankfully my dream abruptly ends before the anticipated ended leaving room for the hope that I reach him in time to forestall his execution. Maybe I've seen the Postman one too many times but this fear for my family is real.

I awoke from this dream horrified and reminded myself to listen to my mommy instincts. I guess my point is Jonathan vulnerability is terrifying to me. In even in my dreams I'm shielding him from himself and society. Living in Florida we have to worry about the typical tragedy of hurricanes, flooding, Forrest fires and the general craziness that living in Fl. entails (think ballot counting, retiree driving, and face eating zombies).

I've seen Jonathan become a mess from eating a (yes, singular) chocolate chip cookie. How hard would SCD/organic  food be to come be in a week long power outage? How long would my personal sanity hang on without ABA therapists or school to cage, I mean captivate my children?

Now that I've got the yuck out of my mind I'm going to bed, thank you Internet for being my captivate audience.

1 comment:

  1. I am Kitty's Mom, and Jonathan Grandma. I live in Indiana, away from my grandkids. I have read my daughter blog's. I am truely sorry, about her nightmeres, and blessed that she is sharing, I hope it helps you and others. Jonathan is truely an amazing little one, he is achiving by leaps and bounds. The community that has it's diasters also, has loving and caring hands. Jonathan will be staple in his life, because of u'r 24 hours, 7 days a week, that you put in. My faith in you, being that amazing Mom, puts Jonathan, well in the process of recovery, and I do believe with all my heart and soul, Jonathan will be productive member of society.